Lit Cargo

Is this a good book idea? Good chapter names? Is my writing good?

Okay, I'm writing a book that i wish to be published and sold. Read the following part of the book and please tell me what you think (the indentations won't show up on here). Also, i've included the chapter names. Please tell me if you find these appealing. Thank you. So you don't get confused, I would also like to inform you that the first part of this piece is the end of the book that i will place in the beginning, to give you a flashfoward of the end. The world lay before me, broken like shattered glass. Blood ran through the streets, the sand, the rivers. Bodies lay everywhere, un-buried, un-honored… unholy… The once beautiful city now lay waste. The streets blown apart from bombs, buildings shredding like paper. The skies, grey with sorrow, cried upon this fallout land. The smoke reached unto the heavens and the fires lit the night sky like candles. You could smell the reminisce of gun smoke… and the sickening smell of rotting death. In the distance the shrieks of survivors broke the silence… begging for mercy- and the sound of receiving none. I could now feel the warm liquid creeping down my arms, chest, and legs. The taste of sweat and adrenaline fills my mouth. A screeching ring in my ears and my vision tinted blood red. Suddenly I feel someone tug on my suit, screaming as he dragged my limp body across the blood soaked dirt. Slowly but surely… his voice cracks through the night like a bullet… “you’re comin’ back alive.” Part I- We’re Not in Kansas Anymore Chapter I- Come Back Alive One week ago… “Daddy! Do you really have to leave?” “Yes honey, Daddy’s gotta keep you two safe!” “But daddy! I don’t want you to die!” “Don’t worry honey…I’m, coming back! Just for you!” “Don’t lie to her… come back alive…” “Don’t worry babe… I-” “Captain?” “Captain?” My eyes slowly prey themselves open like a clam shell. “Captain!” I hear Toni’s rough war-torn voice. “Were almost there, wake up!” “Your one ta’ talk to boy!” I now noticed how torn my voice is as well. It comes out harsh and rough. I look around, observing the world around me. The rough turbulence is now shaking me like a dog. Before me stand 3 tall silhouettes, clothed in death black suits. The whole cargo bay is lit with a dim red aura. In the faint light I can barely make out the strands of the suit, layered like muscle. Slowly I push myself off the army cloth bench and stretch my weary, aching muscles. I bend down and pick up the cold durable mask for my suit. Slowly I press the visor to my face, and with a hiss, it unites with the suit. I firmly grip my weapon, hanging from its rack, crimson from the light. “Time to Jump Everyone! Double check all systems and go!” I hear my voice, crisp and clear through the com. The C-130s heavy bay doors pry themselves open and we all stand, anxious for the battle about to come. In a blur of black we all dash down the metal tracks and leap. I hear the screaming “WOOHOO!”s from my men as the roll and flip in their freefall. My visor quickly blares on; data fills my field of view. Altitude, parachute open time, vitals, et cetera, but after all this time, I’ve learned to ignore it all. “Open in 10, 9, 8” my visor counts down, “4,3,2,1,OPEN!” I grab the release cord on my chute and rip it off. My parachute shoots out like a bullet and catches wind. I begin my leisurely elegant glide to the ground. Suddenly, all hell breaks loose; the com now explodes with screams of terror and frantic orders. My visor screams out alerts and I suddenly feel weightless again. Flak starts exploding all around me, shrapnel flies through the air. I look up and discover my chute, now turned into a shredded chew toy for the cannons. I begin to fall, faster, faster, I hear the screams of my men “CAPTAIN!”. The rush of adrenaline fills my body and I work swiftly. I grab my combat knife, perfectly sharpened, perfectly deadly. I slash away at the old useless chute until it finally breaks loose. I release my vice grip on my knife and reach for the emergency chute. The moment I touch the cord, I feel the impact on my feet, blow through my legs, my chest, then my head… suddenly… everything goes black. “Don’t lie to her...come back alive…” “Don’t worry babe... I’ll come back…for both of you, I do every time don’t I?” “I guess so…” “Babe… cheer up… nothings gonna happen!” “I love you…” “I love you too honey.” I come around to the smell of salt, the sound of soft waves on the shore. My visor bursts alive with my senses, analyzing my vitals and body. I turn on my back and look up; the sky is a soft baby blue, with clouds painted in the distance like a beautiful canvas. I watch the clear blue water attack in a wave of foam, then retreat, again and again. In the distant waters I see my ragged parachute and find myself chuckling. I move my poor, aching muscles and lift my limp body up. Beach sand white as snow now covers my suit. I now stand on a beach of snow white. The sun peeks out the soft blue horizon. To my right the beach goes on seemingly eternally. To my left, the white beach sand is contrasted by a jagged, rocky cliff. The ocean waves crash against the murky black rock. Before me a lush, bright forest screams its colors at the ocean. Blood red and heaven blue flowers, neon green foliage, and the soothing brown of the trees fill the forest. The distant sounds of animals and insects calling out can be heard. “Anybody there!” I yell into my com, “Come in!” All that can be heard is an eerie stillness. “Let’s see,” I say to myself in a low whisper, “what to do. Guess I’ll just head over ta’ the RP… Visor! Lead me to the rally point!” The soothing voice of the visor responds, “2 miles East Captain.” “Two miles…” I let out a heavy sigh, “Better start movin’ then.” As I begin to move my legs, I notice the dreadful shock of pain in my legs. My suit promptly detects the pain and releases pain relievers into my legs. I feel the tiny bee-sting like prick of the needle and the strange feel of the injection. The pain in my leg is swiftly alleviated and I begin to travel once more. As I enter the thick jungle I notice the true beauty of this place. Flowers bud from every plant and tree. An abyss of colors lay before me as I trek onward. Creatures I’ve never seen before hide in the bushes and scout my mysterious presence. The sound of crashing waves, the beautiful rays of sunlight are now dead, and replaced by the quietness of the forest and a darkened Neverland. Suddenly I hear a faint sound over the com. “ANYONE! COME IN! PLEASE! ASSISTANCE NEEDED AT THE RP! HEAVY ENEMY RESISTANCE! PLEAS”- static… Part I- We Aren’t In Kansas Anymore Chapter I- Come back Alive Chapter II- Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing Chapter III- Out of the Frying Pan… Chapter IV- …And Into the Fire Part II- Home…I Think Chapter I- Russian Roulette Chapter II- S.O.S. Chapter III- Fight Fire… Chapter IV- …With Fire Part III- Their Land, Their Blood Chapter I- Chapter II- Do You Believe In Ghosts? Chapter III- No More… Chapter IV- …Heroes Part IV- Revenge… Chapter I- A Breath Exhaled from the Earth Chapter II- We. Will. Kill Him.

Public Comments

1. I like your style of writing, unlike me, who tends to want to get straight to the point of a story instead of detailing stuff. However, there is some key flaws in your story. No offense at all, but that loosely sounds like the story of Modern Warfare 2. Even the chapter names are based off of COD levels (Their Land, Their Blood), but also concepts of the story (A Breath Exhaled From the Earth/We Will Kill Him). You don't want to have a reader who happened to have played MW2 to get these references, because even in a few years they will feel dated and few people will get the references anyway. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with adding a MW2 reference here or there to your story, but make sure the context in which you pull it off makes sense, and avoid making references as the basis of your story. Good luck with it, BTW!